.:loser:.

2006-05-30T14:50:00.000+08:00

i wanna know who exactly's the judge, jury and executioner.
you?
but then again.
why do you always have that ability to make me feel like crap?
then feel so much better a little while later.

why cant you just fade into the background like everyone else?
becoming just another aquaintance.
sometimes i just wish you were never here.
other times i need to know that you're here listening.
screw this shit.

2006-05-29T17:41:00.000+08:00

it freaking hurts.
keeping it in.
knowing it can never be spoken.
the forbidden words.
sprinkled with poison and misery.

tired of it.
tired of this hypocrisy.
tired of this neatly stacked lies.

who decreed that such must be the way.
who exactly is the judge, jury and executioner?
and if thats you.
who made you the judge, jury and executioner?

what exactly are you expecting from me?
the bloody truth?
that. can never happen.
because to do so.
would tantamount to plain stupidity and embarrassment.

i may not do the right things.
but at least.
i hope.
i am no fool in this matter.

2006-05-28T22:11:00.000+08:00

aah.
im sorry.):
im such a bitch right.
forever making you do stuff you dont wanna.
im so so sorry.):

2006-05-28T20:58:00.000+08:00

last heard it yesterday morning.
awhile after i woke.
its never definite.

dying for it to be spoken.
but knowing that can never happen.
hurts aint it.

ok.
now its cheery again.
for that little moment.
probably gone just as soon.
you just have that ability dont you.=/

2006-05-28T07:17:00.000+08:00

never.

2006-05-27T17:21:00.000+08:00

ahhh!
im so so so sorry.
i didnt expect to wake up so late!
oh gosh.
please dont say you waited for me the whole morning.
oh my.
and i owe you a lolly.
oops.

but i still hope you've cheered up.
and not think bout that ass anymore.
aint worth it.(:

2006-05-26T04:01:00.000+08:00

i wish i could take your pain.
fling it off to hell.
and then you'll be happier.

seeing you in this state hurts.
dont just keep it in please.
let it out.
gimme a smile on saturday.(:

2006-05-22T21:06:00.000+08:00

silence and serenity.
a perfect couple.
overwhelming everything.
creating the perfect blissful oblivion.

thats heaven.
and this.
this is hell.

2006-05-20T10:23:00.000+08:00

nauseated.
make that very.

trouble has its way of making its
presence known in the most abnormal of ways.
a little change can make a huge difference.
if you haven't realised it yet,
get it into your head now.

some things are meant to be changed.
others are meant to be broken.

2006-05-16T01:31:00.000+08:00

and with each passing day,
its more and more surreal.
at times pleasant.
yet at times nasty.

dragging myself deeper into the shit.
for what dammit.
two words.
plain stupidity.

2006-05-06T15:31:00.000+08:00

blahh.
zero.
how nice.
lets just tear it up
and be done with it.

you are extremely evil zaferin.(:

2006-04-30T19:14:00.000+08:00

i wish.
they never come true though.

just a constant barage of lies.
tired of your rubbish.
grow up.
go beg god for the empathy that you never collected the day He gave it out.

i dont miss then though.
at least im wide awake now.
and not living in that black curtain of denial.

2006-04-28T19:45:00.000+08:00

you can start by fucking off first.(:

nope. nothing's wrong.
everything's just snazzy.

actions betray you sometimes.
words are just a mask.
speak your mind.

and day after day.
swish and drag.
how FUN.
thanks to you.(:

2006-04-25T22:27:00.000+08:00

dear baohui,
it is NOT that.
or whatever.
thankyouverymuch.(:

2006-04-24T21:52:00.000+08:00

the marks fade.
after some time.
but the memories remain.
so does the knowledge.

and every single day.
the vow is renewed.
the promise.
keeping to it everyday.

each fresh burst.
and reality comes crashing back.
like an irritating random passerby.
knocking incessantly.

each angry line.
a perfect reminder.
though the surroundings would do better.

a stab in the dark.
hypocrisy and sugar coated lies.
sifting through the mess.
trying but failing.

the rainbow in the distance beckons.
hope in the horizon?
maybe.
maybe not.
a tease forever out of reach?
definitely.

2006-04-16T21:21:00.000+08:00

why doesnt anyone else appreciate the wonders of coke?
sheesh.
its the best invention earth.
ohh well.

its just plain funny how others care so much more.
and you never will.
and i should stop caring.
cuz its a waste of time.

2006-04-13T20:11:00.000+08:00

why should i care when you obviously dont?
its been my fucking mistake from the start.

thankyou for proving it to me.
as always.

and there i was thinking i would learn.
stupid much.

if i could turn back the clock.
you wouldn't have been given the opportunity to be part of my life.
neither would you have had the chance to hurt me this bad.

screw you okay.

2006-04-11T23:54:00.000+08:00

make a wish.
an easy one.
that you are not the only one.
and someone's there
next to you
holding your hand

make a wish
you'll be fine
nothing's gonna let you down
someone's there
next to you
holding you now.

nothing left.

2006-04-09T19:22:00.000+08:00

thankyou for making me cry in the middle of orchard road.
i finally know where i stand.
since i dont belong.
so be it then.
i dont need you.
i wont die without you.

im never gonna waste my tears on you again.
i dont even know why i cried myself to sleep because of you.
lucien was right.
you're not worth it.

fuck off and die.
i wont mourn.

2006-04-08T22:20:00.000+08:00

it doesnt work that way sometimes.
dont cry for me.
thats stupid.
i know you care.
you make me laugh.
thats more than i can ask for.
thankyou.

2006-04-06T18:40:00.000+08:00

so its over.
now's the waiting.

shrouded with hypocrisy.
caught in a web of deceit.
two lies dont make a truth.
never did.
never will.

things will get better.
YEAH RIGHT.

bullshit.
thats all.

alleviation.
misunerstandings.
misintepretations.
disgust.

2006-04-05T23:14:00.000+08:00

when you fuck it this bad.
then thats it.

stars and shine.
alleviate this.

2006-03-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

thankyou lucien!
i guess i needed that badly.
thankyousosomuch!
love.(:

it'll get better.

2006-03-26T20:15:00.000+08:00

screw you.
it was a mistake from the start.
i dont need this shit from you anymore.

insecurity at its best.

2006-03-23T21:01:00.000+08:00

the week's gonna be over soon.
yay.
survive tmr and i'll be free.(:
so its just two days.
but who cares?
i still get to rest.
finally.

sheesh.
got into trouble with them again.
as usual.
numb now.
dont care anymore.(:

2006-03-22T21:38:00.000+08:00

80 over bucks for 6 videos.
and if you're lucky. the jewel case.
i think its worth it.
but.
god knows how long i need to save.
and i want the first press.
sheesh.
i shall start.(:

its swollen.
thankyou so much jannah!
you're a lifesaver.
taking the whole period to poke at the hole.
omg. i love you woman!
you saved my life.(:

the nail marks are still there.
HAH.
i guessed i shocked myself.
never knew i could dig into my skin that much.
BUT.
the pain was worth it.(:

2006-03-21T16:12:00.000+08:00

sheesh. bastard.
you dont give up for your npcc and campcraft right?
WTF?!
that has absolutely NOTHING to do with amaths.

sheesh. jerkass.

it got me crying in class.
cuz it hurts like a sonofabitch.

2006-03-18T09:12:00.000+08:00

screaming at stupid taxis for one hour can make one sicker.
sheesh.

poor marg is so damn thin.
ohh my.
we have to stuff her with food when she gets out.
she's way too thin.

i have this strong urge
to take a stick
and whack sense
into them.
again dont bother guessing.
its not who you think it is.
of all the freaking rubbish i've heard.
sheesh.

2006-03-16T21:53:00.000+08:00

nega!
awesome band.
what more can i ask for?(:

2006-03-16T16:54:00.000+08:00

amanda wants me to dedicate one to her. sheesh. what can i say?
ohh yeah.
she's an awfully bad influence. yupp.
she made me spend an awful load of money.
which means basically all my money.
but.
i like them too. heh.(:
coincidentally we wore the same clothes. as in the colour.
well amost the same. freaky.
lalalaa-
amanda is nice company.(:
my counsellor and vice versa.
and now the little voice in my head telling me to save.

bloody hell.
why did ellegarden decide to release an album now?!
sheesh. i want!
not fair lahh. why dont they stock in singapore.
so it'll be a tad cheaper for me.
fuck.
im still planning to buy mrd.
sheeeeeeeeesh.

i have this feeling im gonna screw up cctest tmr.
blehs.

i wanna go shopping again.
but only when im more loaded.
and i can actually put money back into my acc.

2006-03-13T14:38:00.000+08:00

its always fun talking to lucien.
and its funny how headaches always come when i get bored.
and the stupid panadol is pointless.
sheesh.

burstthebubble.
whydontyou.
you'redyingtodothatanyway.
yes.
idontcare.
imahorribledaughter.
thatenoughforyou?
youwannadie.
gothen.
iwontbotheryou.
orgiveadamnaboutit.

imjustlikeyourhusband.
yeah.
likefatherlikedaughter.
aintit.
shouldtakealeafouttahisbook.
andstayawayeverynight.
justcomebackontheweekends.
wonderfulexample.
wonderfuldad.

goshoo.
mytwinisbetter.
imtheworstdaughter.
abadexample.
toyourbelovedson.
adisgracetothefamily.
dontworry.
icanstopshowingup.
ineverwantedtostayanyway.

2006-03-13T10:58:00.000+08:00

dontknow.
dont care.
keepitlocked.
sealed.
knows.
cares.
toomessedup
togiveashit.

sheesh.

2006-03-12T16:20:00.000+08:00

been taking it on an empty stomach. on my 4th, and its still not working. jesus freaking christ. screw this. why bother selling panadol when it doesnt work at all? sheesh.

2006-03-11T23:10:00.000+08:00

i need to
stop spending so much money
start saving
get a huge pencilcase because mine is torn
get a grip

jerk.
asshole.
crazy.
fat.
retarded.
calamari.
fishcakes.
frogs.
earthquakes.
water.
ingenuity.
weird.
madness.
shithole.
infuriated.
irritated.
hated.
loved.
mudpies.
milo.
chocolatecakes.
angelsdevils.
caramel.
alibi.
wristcuffs.
mudcakes.
squish.
herbaltea.
icecream.
turtles.
blobs.
timecapsule.
catalyst.
pizza.
fuck.
mao.
soulful.
thewindowintotheabyss.
bliss.
ignorance.
numb.
thekeyintothedark.
idiots.
dirty.
alleviated.
crushed.
fallen.
tears.
blood.
sweat.
laughter.
dreams.
ambitions.
thefist.
pounding.
gravel.
shatteredpieces.
scatteredandlost.
disappeared.
absorbed.
missingnow.
lostforever.
athingofthepast.
onceimportant.
ronin.
aikagi.
itbeckons.
andtugs.
ablindeye.
finality.
destroyed.
broken.
screwedsevenwaystosunday.
disgustingpieceofshit.
garden.
whatoncewas.
thrash.
stinkylittlepieceofshit.
binetsu.
thefourwords.
ahugemistake.
therainbow.
hopeagain.
pleads.
cantbebothered.
surreal.
livinginanightmare.
carouselofdreams.
upinflames.
yay.
cheery.
thedreadedwords.
temper.
testtheflame.
andthewater.
wondrous.
delightful.
bittersweet.
tasteoflife.
defeat.
bruisedandbattered.
downtherungs.
throughthepassageways.
distortion.
meddlingatitsbest.
interference.
overconfidence.
downfall.
spirited.
maybe.
thepast.
atinywindow.
notquiteright.
twoorthree.
backup.
convulsion.
guineapigs.
tryouts.
twine.
failure.
dis.
gazette.
disbelief.
doubt.
confusion.
mixedup.
pondering.
unsure.
misplaceoffaith.
gee.
itssomucheasier.

2006-03-11T05:10:00.000+08:00

its a lie. everything is a lie.

convincing is hard. bring everything to hell. wouldnt that be better.
locked up.
stuffed.
pacified.
fuck it.
its getting easier each time.
stoned.
surreal.
enigma.
subtle.
joie de vivre.
masquerade.
aint it just fun?

2006-03-09T19:14:00.000+08:00

its the letting go thats the hardest. and the most painful.

some memories are just best left locked in one corner with the key thrown to hell.

2006-03-09T10:37:00.000+08:00

im not. go figure.

2006-03-09T02:40:00.000+08:00

see what boredom does?

i still cant sleep. chatting with nat now. (x

i'll miss all the injuries.

2006-03-09T00:10:00.000+08:00

its amazing how guilt has this way of sneaking up when you're awake, pumped full of caffeine and so damn alone in the middle of the night, and smack you in the head.

yes. i feel guilty all over again. for so much more than you guys will ever know. and yes i know im too stubborn for my own good marg, but i cant help it either.

running away would be nice. but not an option. unfortunately.

i feel damn alone now. all by myself. which is stupid. but which also goes to show how screwed my brain is currently. im not thinking straight at all. just trying to forget. which isnt working. and it doesnt help that celesther had to tell me both teams from sjc qualified. not that she would know. but still.

in a way i envy them. they could let it out. they had people around them. i dont. no one. just me here for myself. and dont go around making wild guesses who them is referring to. whatever you're thinking, its wrong.

yay to hours more of insomnia and caffeine induced thinking. just what i need. loss of sleep. HAH. will be doing half dead shopping with rachel tmr. or maybe distracted?

though really, i'll probably use shopping to alleviate everything. food is out of the question. not when im this fat already.

im reading on insomnia and sleep deprivation. i am this bored. sheesh. and way too fucked up. i cant sleep at all.

but maybe its better not to sleep. though the chances of me getting bad dreams are kinda zilch. ohh well.

2006-03-08T22:54:00.000+08:00

i found out the ranking for the teams already. not that surprised. yupp.

2006-03-08T13:55:00.000+08:00

im sorry. god i feel like shit now. i am so so sorry. i shouldnt have.

it hadnt sunk it yet. until just now. yeah. its really really sunk in now. the reality of it.

im sorry.

2006-03-08T13:38:00.000+08:00

im so sorry. pls dont blame yourself anymore.

2006-03-08T01:12:00.000+08:00

i'll be fine. after ranting so much.

just trying really hard to push everything out. it'll work. everything will. shall just focus on getting nat cheered up now.(:

2006-03-07T16:43:00.000+08:00

we didnt get in. i dunno what to feel. someone tell me?

months of training. and its all for 12 mins only. thats it. cedar didnt get in. not even one team. i wanna know the ranking now. to see how bad we really are.

it hasnt fully sunk in yet. the reality of it. the fact that we will never have cc trainings again. no more scoldings. no more injuries. no more muddy. no more crazy. no more pitches. no more anything. its gone just like that. everything. all the hard work. tears. blood. sweat. gone. down the drain. partly because i screwed up.

its over just like that. poof. gone. i cant seem to forget everything that happened now. memories of that pitch. it seems almost surreal. i dont feel like going to school on friday. i wonder how setan is gonna act now. he didnt let us take part in npdp and blahh. and now we're not even gonna advance into the finals. not one team. maamtan was so confident. though personally i think she was just trying to comfort us.

i guess i expected the results already. i had a feeling that we wouldnt get into the finals. i just tried to stay optimistic. all that encouragement didnt help. support. words of comfort. it seems pretty meaningless now.

if only this was just a bad dream i can wake from. wouldnt that be nice? but wishes never come true. their just something to keep people in denial.

sheesh. i wanna cry. but i cant. almost like the tears are just dried up already i guess. cried it all out the past few days. or maybe its just being suppressed now. who cares anyway.

im gonna have the whole of next week free. left alone to keep remembering everything. to keep getting flashbacks of the bloody pitch over and over and over again. to keep wondering what went wrong. to keep scolding myself. yeah. i'll have a really wonderful break.

but so what about it? i cant turn back the clock. and i shouldnt cry over spilled milk. yeah. that i know. that i fully understand. but does it help? no. not one single bit. so what if i know that its over and there's nothing i can do about it? so what about it? that doesnt change the fact that we cant get into the finals. that doesnt change the fact that i can get over myself. that i cant forgive myself.

all it can prove is that im acting like one hell of a blustering pathetic moronic ass right now. whining about what could have been. god. can i get any worse? apparently. fucking shitasses.

its funny how its only been a little more than a week since the competition. some days it seems as though its been eternity. other days it seems as though it hasnt happened. funny how i can practically rmb everything that happened that day when i cant even rmb what went on yesterday. funny how i can rmb almost every single damn conversation held during the morning in school and at the pa. when i can barely rmb what i talked about yesterday.

jesus freaking christ. why am i so affected when others aren't? god dammit. i just wanna return to that wonderfully numbed state. that moments of wonderful brilliant static. where i dont feel. i dont think. i just exist. there but not really there. thats what i want now. thats all i ask for now.

2006-03-07T08:28:00.000+08:00

results are officially out. and somebody's telling me that both muddy and crazy didnt get in. i dunno if thats true. neither do i know when setan is gonna check his email. heck. i dunno if i should be laughing or crying at the possibility that cedar's not gonna get into the finals.

its pure shit.

2006-03-05T21:13:00.000+08:00

fuck you. shitass bastard. you are just fucking ridiculous beyond words. get a fucking life why dont you. ASSHOLE.

fucking pathetic moron. go to hell lahh.

2006-03-04T21:31:00.000+08:00

sheesh. nat tells me results were out yesterday officially at 5.30. someone else tells me today that results were supposed to be out yesterday but will only be out next saturday. WTFH?! what is wrong with hq dammit. bloody inefficient. grr.

and rachel's back! now there's someone who can pei me too. heh.(:

2006-03-03T12:48:00.000+08:00

i appreciate you helping me. but that doesnt give you the right to pry. what? now you're gonna go round with the mindset that im gonna be a jd? by all means. do so then. i cant be bothered with you anymore.

may i add that somehow i dont even care bout you and thyroid and fibroid and divorce or whatever.

2006-03-03T10:31:00.001+08:00

bloody shitass sonofabitch fucker. go screw yourself. fuck you dammit. arghs. i am NOT going to camp. either way. my doctor wont let me go anyway. so just get the fuck off my case. asshole. bloody hell.

you just fucking ruined my entire day.

2006-03-02T12:55:00.000+08:00

i had some complex food allergy. and thats why i have tons of rashes on my whole body. and dear old doctor yong wont let me go for camp cuz the rashes will only get worse. and im supposed to stay at home tmr too cuz i wont be able to concentrate in class cuz of the meds. supposedly.

which means. i wont show up in school until next friday. yay? i'll be bored to death though. since there wont be anyone to talk to. they'll all be in camp. while im slacking at home. ohh well.

i should stop scratching. BLEHS. i have a new collection of meds again. including for the stomach. i wonder how many i've gotten for my stomach already.

2006-02-28T16:18:00.000+08:00

im still waiting for the results. and trying to comfort nat at the same time. somehow. im not sure if the results are out today. sheesh. at least tell us when you're releasing the results. stupid inefficient hq.

gosh nat. dont be so sad. i'll buy you err. chocs? okayy. SMILE woman. or if you really really really need to cry. then cry. let it all out. then smile. okayy. i know your life is pretty screwed up right not. and everything's falling apart. but you gotta pick up the pieces yeah. and piece them together again with scotch tape. i'll be there to hand you more tape if you run outta it.(:

and the postman came to deliver something. again. my mum wasnt available. and again. i have to call the post office. and once again. i have no freaking idea what the hell that is. i dont rmb ordering anything at all. ohh well. i'll just call them tmr and get it delivered on thursday. or maybe tmr? im curious. wth is that? and great. she called him. he's gonna get on my case tonight. and crap bout how im wasting my money and all. BLEHS.

and i just checked the npcc website. in the desperate hope that somehow hq might decide to be nice and post the results. no such fucking luck. ohh jeez. gimme the fucking results already. god.

mama's arms and legs are swollen. i noticed she even has difficulty turning on and off the taps. shit. i feel like such a total letdown. i cant do anything for her. and she's taken care of me for so long. ohh man.

and and. i managed to pass amaths and emaths. HAH. im so proud of myself. its kinda like the first time that i actually pass a maths test that aint borderline pass or something. ohh yay. fine. paying attention does help somewhat.

and eric tan's gonna love my amaths assignment. the last few questions have only one line written. i dont know. thankyou ms melissa tan for inspiring me to write that.(:

2006-02-28T02:24:00.000+08:00

cancel that. results will be out this week hopefully before oac. and. nat says its tmr. shit.

and NAT ONG! stop thinking. gosh. you're gonna drive yourself nuts before long. dont make yourself panic. i'll get you something the next time i go for class.(:

2006-02-26T22:30:00.000+08:00

the results will probably come out during oac.

a simple little chat can set off the waterworks. it shouldnt be affecting me this much at all.

2006-02-26T19:19:00.000+08:00

funny. i spent the whole of last night talking to nat. hoping she would cheer up. i thought i was fine.

i still believe im fine. only i have to stop thinking bout it. not good. found myself stoning throughout cat class. kept thinking of the pitch. during mass. during class. the only thing that went through my mind was what the hell did i do wrong?

im crying talking to amanda. one simple mention of yesterday. and i've becomed so fucking pathetic. what the fuck.

i need to revert back to that mindset. and that wonderful motto of not thinking and not feeling.

sheesh. i shouldnt be this pathetic. there's something wrong with me. must stop thinking of the whole thing.

funny how i cant take my own advice. the same damn things i was telling nat. the stuff that made her laugh instead of cry just doesnt work for me.

2006-02-26T00:54:00.000+08:00

i feel much much better now. (:

but i know nat's not. ahh. you!

stop blaming yourself yeah. like i said. aint your fault girl. so dont beat yourself up over it yeah. when something goes wrong. it isnt just the fault of one person. and sometimes, stuff like this. its really unpredictable. and its nobody's fault. its just that god decided to mess with us. what happened to your pitch must have been a bitch but it wasnt your fault okayy. you didnt expect it to happen. no one did. and you cant just keep blaming yourself. you must have put in your absolute best.

so dont blame yourself okayy. you'll just make yourself sad. and where's the sense in that right. cheer up yeah. (:

2006-02-25T20:04:00.000+08:00

im falling in love with hyde all over again. and ellegarden!(:

KUANG SILIN! you better not be blaming yourself anymore on monday you little girl. STOP. okayy? think positive. results aren't out yet. we still stand a chance.(:

and NATALIE WONG! at least i think its wong. heh. you better not think too much. its over okayy girl. you did your best. dont blame yourself.(: i know it really sucks cuz something screwed up. i went through that before. but. tmr's gonna be a new day. no point in dwelling on today's pitches.

dont think so much you. go do something that you like to. so you wont keep having bad dreams or something bout the pitches okayy. think positive. and smile(:

2006-02-25T16:10:00.000+08:00

prelims. we did better in school.

cant say im happy with my performance. i screwed up big time. wonderful presentation i gave.

where did you get your inspiration to make your gadget this way? to make it slanted?
we modified our original idea to create this. and its slanted so we can hang more mess tins.

what kind of a fucked up answer is that? it does not answer the question at all. no freaking way.

and then i had to stand there while the other judge lectured us on the gyn lashing and went on and on about how not stable it was. we've lost in terms of stability. it took a lot not to cry in front of the judges.

and why does it seem as though the judges are more critical with cedar? and so sluggish when checking the flag. wtfh?!

i want the results out now. i wont feel better till the results are out. and even then. it depends also.

thankyouloads to those who were trying to comfort me. muddy.shaz.yati.har.dee.aries.and the other maams. and nat. you rock! thanks.(:

and thankyou uncle(x

there's a bet going on in muddy. 9 bucks to the winner. the bet? whether we get into finals or not.

i have an urge to slap myself.

2006-02-24T20:05:00.000+08:00

tmr's the prelims already. funny. it doesnt seem as though we've had 4 months of training. gosh.

and nigel ng! shut the hell up. gosh. irritating old perverted uncle. seriously. if you dont talk no one will think you're dumb. and you're narcisstic too. gosh.

blehs. scared for tmr. nervous. a whole bunch of emotions mixed up inside. man. im so terrified i'll screw up again like training just now. damn. i keep thinking now of the same screwed up mistakes i've made before.

what if i drop the flagpole again? what if my pegging is screwed again tmr? what if my alignment goes really haywire? what if flag cocks up? what if my back get worse? there's a million what ifs now. each aren't nice at all. and they just contribute to the panic. ohh yeah. what if i freak and panic on the pitch again?! omf. everytime i panic on the pitch, i'll just forget everything. and i mean everything. and then i'll start crying cuz i cant rmb and everyone's pressing me. shit.

crap crap crap. how? im so damn fucking scared i'll screw up. i have faith and loads of confidence in the team. but not in myself. my performance has been like shit for the past 2 trainings. fluctuating like nobody's business. and my presentation!

sheesh. i FORGOT what to say when maams asked just now. FORGOT. ohh wtfh?! the best thing to ever do. forget your presentation. ohh my fuck. im so terrified i'll screw the presentation tmr. and we really need the points. shit lahh. why am i the gadget presenter of all people? ohh crap.

im making myself panic. wth.

and ellegarden is good. ohh my. their english rocks. and the songs. woah. pure talent. (x

shoots. im supposed to sleep at 10. its one more hour and im still trying to finish that stupid chicken cutlet. im gonna gorw fat but thats besides the point. and i dunno whats the point. and i really should be preparing my presentation. crap.

2006-02-23T20:11:00.000+08:00

i suck. thats all there is to it.

at peichun's house now.(: baking cookies. so its betty crockers. but who cares. i dont dare to bake from scratch ever again. knowing me, i'll screw it up.

its freaking irritating. pissing me off. it doesnt hurt so much as it aches and it feels awfully uncomfortable. period. and super weird. shitass. its just a few 2 more days to the prelims.

and im making all the wrong decisions right now. doing all the wrong things. telling people stuff that are best left unsaid. fuck. i make the shittiest crappiest decisions. ohh frog.fishcakes.effer.

im sorry. i should have been the reserve. and i'll make it up at the finals.

i need to lose weight.

2006-02-22T21:43:00.000+08:00

shit. i just know how to make things worse dont i. ohh motherfucker. just kill me so i wont go around all the wrong things every single damn fucking time.

and i lied. its not getting any better. in fact. maybe a tad bit worse. but who fucking cares.

bottom line. when you've been lying to yourself all this while. it sucks when the truth smacks you in your face finally and forces you to accept it.

2006-02-21T21:02:00.000+08:00

yay i love peichun.(:

i wanna shut it down. stop processing. stop anything. now that would be nice.

its too tiring. its leaving me too drained. wouldnt it be so much easier to be a puppet?

2006-02-20T21:53:00.000+08:00

fuck off. sounds pretty simple to me. funny why you cant get it. its such a simple thing to do. something must be wrong with your brain then. maybe you might wanna consider changing it. or maybe you might just wanna leave.

now that would be nice. cuz im sick and tired of dealing with you pmsing shit every day. go rant at someone else. just dont pick me. cuz im not a very happy person recently. and you'll just be messing with the wrong person you fucker.

why the hell does it hurt more when i hit myself with the peg as opposed to the mallet. makes no sense.

funny how nothing is starting to make sense.

2006-02-20T02:17:00.000+08:00

its 2.15. im still wide awake and on my 3rd can of mandarinorangegreentea. heh.

shall go off soon before they wake up and start bitching. then maybe squeeze in some studying.

and i swear they get better in lives.

2006-02-20T01:37:00.000+08:00

there's absolutely no one to talk to online. ohh blehs. im bored.

and im trying to see how far i can go without sleep again.(:

2006-02-20T00:20:00.000+08:00

i cant effing sleep again. wth. and im not even studying or doing any research for my argumentative essay for that mattter.

and its on gays! yay. one of my favourite topics. i want a gay friend. HAH.

and yes. lucien's lending me his system of a down cd.

im so bored. im happily downloading random songs from random bands for a taste. cant say i've been disappointed. cuz they are good.(:

2006-02-19T23:23:00.000+08:00

once again. i shant sleep till the flag dries so i can iron it.

tell me something/anything that will get that rubbish out from under my eye. cuz its effing irritating.

2006-02-19T21:35:00.000+08:00

they are a bunch of effing idiots. ohh bloody shitasses. just fuck off for once.

wings would be nice. with the freedom to fly anywhere and everywhere. the ability to do anything.

and and. i found out today that hmv stocks gazette and kagrra. at least all they had was san and nil(regular edition). i want san! but its 88effing bucks. and i already ordered the other gazette cd. bloody hell. i forgot to see if they had alice nine also. arghs. they dont have shoxx anymore. wanted to ask yati to get it for me. blehs.

i dont get anything anymore. and i cant be bothered to anymore.

2006-02-18T17:19:00.000+08:00

does boiled eggs work on bruises? im desperate to get rid of that fucker under my eye. i dont care bout bruises on the knees and whatever. but on my face?! wtfh.

how the hell is it possible to slam the base of the mallet hard on your eye? well i accomplished it. as well as hitting the knee again. yay. i rock. not.

im gonna fail all my tests. and the chinese oral. yay again. ohh who cares. im too stoned to study everyday when i get back. the only thing i'll care about is sleep.

sleep is bliss.(x

2006-02-16T17:40:00.000+08:00

its ironic.i care more for my godma than my own mother. and my own mother's condition might be more serious. ohh fuck it.just take it as im heartless. i dont care anymore.

what is up with perverts these days? stupid fuckers.

another cd. im making myself go broke. but who cares.

i miss my phone. ):

2006-02-13T17:57:00.000+08:00

wth. my phone's down. the internet's down. thankyou so much dad. you rock. youknowthat.

vday's tmr. everything's so screwed right now. the perfect way to go about each day.

im sick and tired of you using your stupid illness as a threat for me. i've had enough of you telling me every damn day that you might be dying and so you have to blahh blahh blahh. its just another effing cancer scare. and all you're doing is making me pissed only.

you're never gonna get me to do stuff for you like that. stop saying every damn day that you might be dying. cuz i dont give a fucking shit. i've freaking had enough of your emo crap.

2006-02-11T20:35:00.000+08:00

thankyou mandy. love you loads girl. dont let me get you down. it was nice to crap with you.(x

2006-02-11T18:35:00.000+08:00

pay your own bills. yeah right. im so fucking loaded. and just because you dont fucking understand a word and cant stand hearing the guitars and whatever dont make them satanic bitch. get a life and stop trying to pick on me. go fuss on your other daughter for all i fucking care. i'll feel so much better if you treat me as non-existent. just leave me the fuck alone.

where's the soul? probably flown away to hell already. or dissipated. whatever. doesnt matter much anymore. its just an empty shell now. too cowardly to do the things it wants to do most.

nil's coming on monday. disorder's here already. at least i have something to blast over the weekend. the bitch can rave all she wants about how satanic her screwed up shitass mind thinks it is. i dont give a fuck.

numb is good though its avoidance.

2006-02-10T21:24:00.000+08:00

by numbing myself and then just stuffing myself with food, i actually feel better now. its through numbed emotions that i can actually go through every single fucking day.

my nil arrived today. only no one was at home to collect it for me. so now i have to call up the post office to get them to send it to me again. either that or go personally to collect it. something im super not willing to do.

im trying not to think at all. or i wont be able to sleep again.

2006-02-09T22:11:00.000+08:00

the food did half the job. the music's doing the other half now. i feel so much better now. after stuffing myself with food.

tolerance is bliss. tears are just a waste of time and energy. im trying to drill them into my brain. for some reason i keep forgetting them at the times when i need to rmb.

i believe i should stop. regardless of what others think. im not helping at all. not doing anything. whats the point then?

its like an endless cycle of self-doubt and trouble. from one end to another. just over and over and over again and again. forever.

2006-02-09T03:59:00.000+08:00

its effing cold at 4 am in the morning. and no. i didnt stay up. for once. crashed after dinner and only woke up 10 mins ago.

regrets and mistakes are becoming all too common. everything is a mess.

back to strangers. perfect arrangement.

fuckers.

2006-02-07T20:15:00.000+08:00

forget it. hard to.

youknowwhat. nvm. im just waiting for my nil and disorder to arrive in the mail.(:

2006-02-05T08:49:00.000+08:00

we've got 3 weeks? and now everyone's injured. or almost everyone. BLEHS.

awkwardness is common now in parts of muddy. partners shouldnt be like this cuz it'll be a bitch to work together. but i dunno how to help you guys either. if its fine by the both of you however, then i'll just leave you guys alone. personally though i think the matter shouldnt be left alone. ohh well. it isnt my partnership. and whatever works.

2006-02-03T00:57:00.000+08:00

words fail sometimes.

2006-02-02T05:43:00.000+08:00

lets see. muddy should change our name to bloody.

training was full of blood? gosh way too much injuries. and there's no challenge for muddy anymore. we're back right where we started. from where we worked so hard to pull ourselves up.

c'mon muddy. lets find our motivation again okayy. we can and we must do it. lets get more earthquakes. and eat ourselves silly.

dont think about today's results. its over. gone. poof. what's really more important is to make sure we improve. work hard on friday. and then we'll prove to ourselves on saturday that we can find our peak. or maybe next week.

have faith muddy. we can do it.(:

think of the bloody porridge that maamxiaowei is gonna make. think of i dunno. whatever motivates you.

go muddy! and we'll go maamxiaowei's house/corridor to celebrate with porridge. hah.

ohh and dont be stubborn. cuz you'll regret it ah ma. right maamxiaowei?

2006-01-31T21:27:00.000+08:00

im gonna scream soon. the cheesecake is pissing me off by refusing to be cooked. and i still hvnt done my work.

youknowwhat. forget it. im just gonna do bio. the rest can screw themselves. i dont care anymore. im tired. im just looking forward to training tmr.

i love muddy loads. haha. though today was a little boring. but ohh well. we did have loads of laughs.(:

and maamxiaowei. PLS DONT PUMP TMR OR JUST DO HALF AT LEAST. muddy needs you maam. dont be stubborn pls. do it for muddy maam. pls. and we shall go to your house for porridge okayy maam.(:

muddy has an evil captain. yepp we do. haha. evil muddy captain. humph.

2006-01-30T11:11:00.000+08:00

muddy is falling sick and being riddled with injuries. ohh my. pls take care of yourselves muddy.

joanna. i love you girl. and im sorry. really.

sharron. youknow this is so like your post. i dunno why i felt like doing this suddenly. but. give me time okayy. i really need time to think this through. im sorry if im disappointing you or the rest of the team by being so insecure and blahh. but im trying. i really am. and my ankle's fine.

syikin. hmmm. i dunno what to say to you. just take care of yourself too. yeah. if your hand hurts say dont keep it to yourself.

miangjoo. you arhh. ah ma already. take care of yourself yeah. drink more water. dont eat so much new yr goodies. there's still next yr or something. dont fall sicker. must recover okayy ah ma.

syazwani. hmmm. not much to say but i hope your fever's down. take care also.(:

silin. you gotta be strong okayy. i know it hurts and its really sucky to see how fluctuative we are. but you still have the team.(: we'll always be here for you. and you've got me! if you're upset you can just crap to me. anytime. even if its quite late. i'll try to hear my phone and talk to you. dont be despondent by other things. just believe that muddy can do it. we've been there before. we can hit our desired timing again. all it needs is faith and hope. and trust in the team.

maamshermaine. you rock maam. seriously.

maamszeling. dont be too stressed up maam. you can do it(: the flaggers can make it maam! we'll be able to improve on our timing and quality. we'll be able to bond together the four of us. trust in yourself maam. and dont stress yourself too much. cuz the team needs you. and take care of yourself too maam especially your ankle.(:

maamxiaowei. pls pls take care of yourself maam. especially your back. you're the cap maam. the backbone of the team. try not to pump pls? the team needs you maam and you cant motivate team if you're injured. so really take good care of yourself maam.

there. ilovemuddy.(:

and im still reflecting. sharrononghuiqi! give me time okayy. im really trying my hardest.

2006-01-29T11:34:00.000+08:00

im in a spending mood. (:

and most of my angbao money will be spent on my cct cuz i love them so much. and ingredients! so both the ccts can be my guinea pigs. heh. i cant wait for training to resume.

but on the other hand i can also wait. cuz i still dont wanna be the vcap. im honestly rebelling against the whole idea that i am not a lousy vcap. i know myself best. maybe. and i do know taht i can never be someone who can really motivate others and encourage them. im not like maamxiaowei, maamszeling, syikin or miangjoo. they motivate. i demoralise others.

ohh well. pointless to think so much. might as well enjoy watching my videos now.

2006-01-29T11:18:00.000+08:00

i've never been so bored and so damn reluctant to go over to their place before.

2006-01-28T18:26:00.000+08:00

how does brownie swirl cheesecake sound? whee. im gonna bake! haha. my mum's worst nightmare. cuz im gonna screw up the kitchen so bad. like always. i'll use loads of plates and whathaveyou. then take eternity to clear up. and get batter everywhere.(:

im surprised people dare to try stuff i bake. heh. ohh well.

i dont wanna go over tmr morning. though i dont mind collecting angbaos. i got one today already. and samuel's cute. too bad i wont ever talk to him. heck i nvr talk to anyone on that side.

2006-01-28T15:51:00.000+08:00

whats a holiday without fighting with them?

and i stayed awake till 6. whee. pity i still had to go over for lunch though. ohh well. at least i managed to buy counterpain.(:

2006-01-28T03:40:00.000+08:00

boredom made me decide to go find lashings. in case we're really asked that retarded question. but its just the same few ones. nothing new or better. or nicer.

its gonna be 4am soon. HAH. and im wide awake. good. then i'll be dead at the lunch tmr. or better still sleep through the lunch so i dont have to go.

i feel super wide awake now. maybe i shant sleep. since its so late/early now anyway. and im having the time of my life listening to music.

and i may be getting a new phone after all.(: so i'll just have to save up for the ipod. though seriously knowing me. i really doubt my own abilities at saving. ohh well. there's always a first time for everything.

2006-01-27T23:53:00.000+08:00

i have the same crazy urge to kick/punch something. till either my hands give way or whatever that thing is, it gives. at least i'll have a while to think things through and later too.(:

2006-01-27T22:13:00.000+08:00

i am rushing to buy counterpain for both teams use before the next training. ohh heck. i'll just donate it to the npstore. seriously worried. injuries aint a joke. dont be stubborn.

and that was to maamxiaowei who shouldnt lie. and it wasnt meant to be rude.(: pls see a doctor maamxiaowei if your back really hurts. or i'll just make a mad rush tmr to buy counterpain. yeah i think counterpain will be top of my to get list.

and i didnt pass up bio in the end. i cant be bothered anymore. kill me for all i care. i didnt bring back most of my hol hw too. and happily left amaths and emaths in school. its official. im gonna start digging my grave.

love them loads.(:

im supposed to go their place tmr for lunch. wth. i dont even go there for cny 'cept on the second day and thats like in the freaking afternoon only when the number of people there is almost zilch. bloody hell. i was supposed to go out with amanda.

and i dont care anymore if i'll spend all my angbao money. im buying that ~~stupid~~ dvd.

im currently being stuffed with oranges. im gonna balloon. like always.

2006-01-27T05:57:00.000+08:00

omg. i am the lousiest vcap ever. bloody hell i feel so damn shitty lahh.

when they're down i cant do anything. i started the problem first. now i cant live with my conscience. im not a good vcap really. i cant encourage nor motivate them. so many others can do better than me.

and i really shouldnt continue anymore cuz i need to go to school and besides i dont wanna start crying by thinking of it again.

2006-01-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

i really cant sleep now cuz of the noodles im eating. 2 packets. omfg. im gonna grow so fat no one will recognise me.

lalalaa- i shall listen to them and pia through hw.(:

2006-01-25T23:42:00.000+08:00

we still hvnt figured out a way. great.

2006-01-25T02:03:00.000+08:00

i dont understand why and i feel frustrated that i am. god. we felt that what maam xiaofen. maam jy. maam winnie were saying just now were actually directed at the both of us. gosh. i feel so bad. damn. cuz after talking to maamxiaowei. we kinda realised that the problem lies mainly in both of us. but its so freaking hard to change also. blehs.

i still have yet to complete amaths. gonna get in so much trouble tmr. ohh wth. stupid lahh. i dont understand a damn thing.

arghs. its so frustrating. i dont wanna be. i cant accept it. must change tho. the both of us have to keep reminding each other to change or something.(:

and its like 3 am now. HAH. i dunno why i cant sleep.

2006-01-24T02:17:00.000+08:00

i realise that im too fond of sleeping around 3 am in the morning. not good but i really dont care anymore.

i cant sleep. so i dont. its as easy as that. and i still have the energy to go through each day so thats good. heck i can go through any day even without sleep(:

2006-01-23T19:25:00.000+08:00

arghs. creative called me less than 15 mins after i left jurong telling me i could collect my mp3 already. what the bloody hell. im gonna die tmr without it. and celesther said she may collect it for me only if she has someone to pei her. ohh god. otherwise i gotta wait till wed after dry prac. i cant survive that long! i need the songs.

and what about recess? i'll die of boredom. omg! i cant survive. wth.

ohh and someone sat on my phone during chinese and cracked it. im never gonna leave it in my bag again. even better i cant get a new phone. cuz i told my dad i'd rather have my ipod. and he screamed at me when i told him the price. so now its no ipod and no phone. fuck. okayy wait i can get my phone. if i manage to save half cuz celesther promised to pay for half my phone. damn i love my sister youknowthat.

2006-01-22T20:57:00.000+08:00

i hate talking to huangbaohui on the phone cuz she wont wanna talk after awhile. blehs. ):

and i really really want the 60gb ipod. any nice ppl out there who's willing to contribute?

2006-01-22T19:33:00.000+08:00

i like my founditstanding-thismorning-wheniwokeup-soipiakeditdown-withsomehairgel-and-fooledaroundwiththeback hair today for some weird reason. it looks nice. actually no. it just looks normal. but who cares. i like it and thats all that matters to me.(:

im fine now. im not thinking about it that much. to me its a closed chapter. and thats all there is to it now. though seriouslyi think we do too little cc during parades.(:

2006-01-21T18:38:00.000+08:00

i love them(: and thats all im gonna say about it.

and yeah. thought it over really carefully. i'll hand pegging over to syikin since i cant peg that fast. im not really happy with it. but. it was my decision. and no matter what the team comes first. besides it does help the timing. if i were to peg i wouldnt be able to finish my diagonal. i take 1 min to complete that and around 2:30mins to complete my alignment and pegging mayeb a little lesser. i wouldnt be able to peg as fast as syikin.

fine. i'll be honest with myself for once. im not happy about it. but. this is the last time im gonna whine about not pegging. and after this post. i'll shut the fuck up about pegging cuz its pointless. and youknow. when you think about the pros and cons. i really should give pegging to syikin. so yupp.

i wonder when i'll start getting serious towards my studies.

2006-01-21T06:06:00.000+08:00

i fell asleep last night waiting to use the com so i could email maamxiaowei. whose fault? stupid brother of mine.

now i gotta go bathe and get ready for training.

just had to turn on the com though so i could get my fix of them.(:

and my back's getting better! yay. i should be able to peg next week. i wish i could peg today. i miss pegging. ohh well. im starting to believe my pegging has something to do with the timing. so i might just give up pegging anyway. so the team can go faster.(:

2006-01-20T03:03:00.000+08:00

i've finally typed out the presentation and sent it as well. hopefully its fine cuz i was like typing in the dark with only the light from the com. cant afford to get caught by them using the com in the middle of the night.

and i still dont feel sleepy. blehs. gotta get off soon tho before she wakes up and kills me.

i still feel that im a burden. ohh wells.(:

2006-01-20T01:13:00.000+08:00

its 1.13 am. again i cant sleep. cuz i just had dinner not long ago. i crashed on my brother's bed after getting home and didnt wake up till like 10 plus. and apparently i had a missed call. again. seriously i should tell ppl never to call me before 10. i'll probably be sleeping.

since i cant sleep now i might as well type out the presentation. and email it to everyone.

ohh man. i have a sudden outbreak of rashes. and they look plain sick and disgusting. like all red and lumpy. wtf.

ohh yeah. go check out screaming by 12012. damn it rocks.

lalalaa-